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Unfortunately, Near-Sighted Ned picked up Madame's curling iron instead of a pistol.

"No, you may NOT steal my silk scarf. It's a Chanel."

It was 1972. Baby Face Mahoney was out of favor, while Muttonchops Mike and Billy Goat Bo were popular with the ladies.

Lady Frankenstein's suitors wait outside the castle. They had serious "big hair" fetishes.

Napoleon and Pedro couldn't help but stare at the armless cyclist."What, do you, like, ride a UNICYCLE? Sweet!"

"I got the new I Bunny with earphones!"

World's Dumbest Skipper: "Whatcha doin' down here? Yer supposed to be in the crow's nest lookin' for storm clouds."

Jim was chosen to hold on to the rigging during storms because rain would never go up HIS nose. He had no nostrils.

It wasn't a squall. The captain was a real blowhard with excess saliva.

"Darn you, Royal Ruffmaker. My ruff is too rough!"

"Stop, yon sooty peasant! I don't care what is going on outside; inside WE keep the carpets clean!"

Jeremy couldn't look His Highness in the face. There was always dried mead and crumbs in his beard.

Fighter Pilot to busty waitress: "Kudos on your weaponry, ma'am. Got 'em locked and loaded."

Fighter Pilot to busty waitress: "Kudos on your weaponry, ma'am. Got 'em locked and loaded."

"You wimp. Wearin' a sissy scarf. Only a real man can pull off a ribbon tied into a bow."

"You'll show up to work on time, pard, or else you'll get the black whip!"

"No, Harold. Two belts is never going to be an acceptable fashion statement."

Anthony Hopkins plays Einstein in his next film " The Man with the Crazy Hair."

"Dr. Caligari, for the hundreth time, I'm sorry! I didn't realize you didn't want an IKEA cabinet!"

Early tanning lotions were made of tar, Worcestershire sauce, and rust.

"It's my magic horse tooth elixir. Just look at what it did for me!"

"Read it and weep!" "Uh, the label's blank, sir..."

This city slicker didn't know you're not supposed to milk a horse...

The Man in the Yellow Hat was scared. This time, Curious George had climbed into quite a curious place...

Blind Billy: "Excuse me, miss, but may I have this dance?"

One thing the Profs. didn't know: how to plan a bachelor party. They got a REAL cop, and a male one at that.

"She's in heat." - pluck "She's not in heat." - pluck

Rejected cartoon from the 60's: Hippy Dippy Dog

Poor Willa Coyote, always waiting for her man, Wile E. He always puts Acme and roadrunners first.

This profile pic - the reason I quite eharmony.

Polka dot handkerchiefs: the envy of paupers and kings alike.

That awkward moment before you know your friend's gonna sneeze in your chair - and that sneeze will be followed by pee.

Nathan Lane and Jack Black star in "The Singing Kings of Magenta."

A moment before the great "Who's Got the Best Hat" brawl hit Chicago streets.

Dopey Dan flagged down a milkman after he got punched in the gut. Dumb move. But the milkman WAS sympathetic.

Indigestion from the Big Combo? Take Alca-Seltzer!

"I've got it! Our bicycle didn't sell because there were handlebars in the front AND the back!" Audience: "No way!"

Pictionary: what really happens in board meetings.

Vinnie Ventriloquist and his dummy were equally horrified to see the kid fall from the balcony onto the table.

Johnny Baby may have been the smallest gangster of the bunch, but his body was the densest.

"Shaggy, you need to study more and spend less time Scooby-Doo'ing, or whatever you call it!"

"And this is one of our SAT Test Testers. Interesting factoid: they have the third highest suicide rate in the world."

Worst dressed hikers encounter the worst constructed bridge.

"I guess that's why they call it the Gap Tooth Bridge."

Lost "My Friend Irene" movie:Irene wanders onto a Japanese base thinking it's a sushi restaurant. Oh, the laughs.

Agent X.9 is "extra cute" and five foot nine. There. That ends the mystery.

A scene from the scrapped movie "Japanese Gents Prefer Blondes Too."

Mobster peer pressure: will Benny Bagel Chin give in and start smoking? Most likely.

"You think we we're suckers? You ripped off Morgan Sperlock with your BIG COMBO movie, you idiot!"

"You're the one. You farted. Admit it!"

"I am not a crook," young Nixon said, as he bought up all the properties.

The Lego Men like to play Monopoly when the kids are asleep.

To avoid sexual harassment lawsuits, CBS is scraping the bottom of the barrel to find new "Barker's Beauties."

Napoleon Dynamite's granny always volunteered to be in police lineups.

"Okay, now which of these gals kneed you in the groin and cut in front of you on Black Friday?"

"You gotta be kiddin me, Pinhead Mulligan. Ya can't tell ya own mudda from some broads in a lineup? Yer sick!"

"Number two. SHE'S the librarian who gave me a paper cut ON PURPOSE!"

Clark Kent was trying to pay attention, but his unitard was chafing. "Time to buy Desitin."

Clark Kent feigns interest as Mr. Jones explains his recipe for peanut butter balls.

Yup, it takes 3 people to decipher this ransom note. Such awful penmanship!

Clark Kent couldn't believe the Editor needed help writing his letter to Santa.

"There's no fire over England? I think the courtiers misunderstood. I said 'the roof, the roof, the roof is on fire'."

"Sir George, my husband hath run out of hose. Now, go fetch some L'eggs in nude or taupe before I get REALLY angry."

"That's right. Kneel before my ruffed greatness."

There's paratroopers, and then there are the elite parapoopers.

Jim didn't mind jumping out of a plane. But he had forgotten to wear clean drawers.

"Hey, look! Their eyes have whites and irises!"

Justin Beiber and his two best friends enjoy "Flight."

"Unknown Public Domain" is where the Asian scientist shot his videos for the "Lost" islands.

"Impostor! You are not Chinese. You are Barbara Stanwyck!"

Jane froze when she realized Dr. Frankenstein had put a uterus, ovaries, etc. in his monster. A monster WITH PMS?!

"Jane, we work so well together, we complement each other perfectly. What I'm trying to say is...will you marry me?"

Actually, this is "Lady Streisand," programmed to sing all her greatest hits. Not to helpful in the lab, though.

New TLC show: 19 Bags of Poo and Counting

The nurse tried to tell them not to save their babies' dirty diapers for compost come spring. Yes, she tried....

"Joe wasn't happy to wear this couples costume. Now he's downright grumpy that Max is making him wear it thru November!

"I'm V-07 because I'm so manly. Look at this beautiful mustache!"

The Martians regret watching Earth's Groucho Marx in old movies...big time.

Michael Jackson told them they were too old for "Thriller."

Due to widespread power outage in NJ and NY, alarm clocks have had to be replaced by singing telegrams.

"Cause I gotta golden ticket! I gotta golden sun up in the sky..."

Jimmy Caligari and his father, the Doctor, tried to start a boy band before they were popular...

"Ooooooklahoma, where the wind comes sweeping down the plains."

Jimmy Caligari had an imaginary dog he liked to pet and sing to.

Next time on Hoarders, Dr. Caligari must clean out his "cabinet" before Sepia Tone County evicts him for his mess.

"I don't need no DVR. I've had this radio 62 years, got my radiation treatments from it. Saved a load of money, Son!"

"Personally, I wouldn't call him 'King of the Zombies.' He's more of a middle management guy."

Yes, aging horror villains need Medicare too.

Everything's scarier when you add the DMV.

"This is Plan 9 from Outer Space. Execute it by tonight. We still have plans 10, 11, and 12 to do this week!"

"This is Plan 9 from Outer Space. Execute it by tonight. We still have plans 10, 11, and 12 to do this week!"

"Uh, you forgot your man purse" (stifled laugh)

The Postmodern Stooges go a little too far...

Seconds before Big Mouth Billy gets his rear end handed to him...

"That's right, punk. I'm tougher than you. I smoke a pipe."

The Wright brothers were really annoying when they got drunk.

Joan Rivers takes shots while her plastic surgeon and 2 "construction guys" plan their next move for her face and body.

After Fido lost a bet: "Kiss my feline butt, you mutt."

That's when Garfield realized Nermal was not the lady he thought she was...

Trick or Treat! Pres. Obama found the entire Mormon Tabernacle Choir at his door on Halloween!

An incognito Barack Obama and one of his aides stare in horror at an obese family eating Whoppers in the mall.

Halloween: Katy Perry and her bodyguard are haunted by Willy Wonka's ghost for using his candy without paying royalties.

Kent's big toe was such a diva, always needing attention and acclamation.

New multitasking fad sweeping the nation: photo-yoga

Kent had a foot fetish...for his own foot.

Michelle Obama had a dream that men of every nation, of all colors, came together...to fight the War on Obesity.

Aftermath of Churchill's quote: "I may be drunk, Miss, but in the morning, I will be sober and you will still be ugly."

After the "success" of "Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter," "Winston Churchill: Zombie Killer" is in the works...

"Look out yon window. There's a fire over England." "We knoweth, but that problem is above our payeth grade."

"I dressed this way because my neck was cold but my chest needed to breathe, OKAY?!"

"I wouldst talk to thee, Father, but my neck is stucketh. It is mine ruff."

"Lance, you're not fooling anybody going in drag. You are BANNED from cycling, dude."

When Susan Boyle took up cycling to "calm her nerves"...

Skippy never grew up: "And after you're done doing my paper route, you're going to come back and cook me breakfast."

When Granny decided to go green...

"This opium bill is rather alarming." "No kidding, Sherlock!"

Nobody wanted a pince-nez wearing, balding, teardrop- tattoo-sporting cartoon for a poster on their wall. Poor Billy.

Buster was still torn about his sexual identity...

The point where Cartoon Billy realized his idols should be cartoons too. Homer Simpson doesn't die (sigh).

"Prince Harry, this ain't funny anymore!"

By WWII, Secret Agent X9 was senile. He had to wear a helmet for safety, and he thought his hand was a gun.

"Psst, X9, helpful hint: you don't blend in at a costume party dressed as a Nazi."

"Doctor...Livingswine, I presume?"

Traumatized twins, Cara and Tara, went to extremes to distinguish themselves as individuals.

"It's like looking into a mirror, isn't it?" "Uh, no."

"Breaking Amish" was such a success that TLC producers tried two episodes of "Breaking Islam."

Gnome Olympic events include archery and discus throwing.

Shaq has elves that tailor his clothes. These two are preparing to sew on his buttons.

Asian TV is catching on with its "Real Housewives on Phnom Penh."

"You dented my Tuktuk!" "Well, you keyed my rickshaw!"

Next time on Dateline NBC: "The Dark Side of Luaus"

Guy in the corner: "Chick fights just aren't that interesting to me anymore. I think it's time to let myself die."

"Psst. You got the stuff?" "Yeah, 50 cans of Aquanet."

Toby had "naked in a public place" dreams, but he was never ashamed in them.

When janitors cleaned The Office, they usually pocketed Meredith's cartoons. They were too funny to throw away.

"Where's Plan 9 From Outer Space, ma'am?" "It's up the road 3 miles, past the Arby's sign, then turn right, hon."

That's Hollywood. Men can be fat & ugly. Women have to be pretty, stick thin, & have big boobs. Streep is an anomaly.

"Help me! Can't breathe. Chest is ice cold. Can't pick my nose - fingernails too long. Eybrows stuck from Botox. Help!"

"Okay, what happened to Tippi Hedron?" Madame Tussaud wondered. Alfred Hitchcock and Megan Fox didn't go together.

Hat lifters were important to hitmen in the Old, Old, West.

"I don't know what happened. All I did was bite down on the medal. It's tradition, you know? Now, look at it!"

Athletes weren't too impressed with the medals when Jamaica hosted the Olympics. A gilded conch shell?! Huh?

Bobo liked to play air guitar. Peppi liked to play "leering creepy guy."

A match made on clownconnections.com

"Bernard, why is your urine so thick? It'll take four days before we can turn it into water. Hydrate, man!"

Why did Dr. Frankenstein put Mel Gibson's head on Igor's body? (shudder)

"Hey, it's the IPhone -4.0!"

(sigh)"I should've taken one less trip to the app store. Now I'm saddled with this monstrosity."

Nobody wore fedoras in the stir like Albert.

Sammy "Shuteye" Sambuco got nabbed gun-in-hand because of his narcolepsy. His pals were not too happy.

"Can't we get out of Dr. Caligari's Cabinet already? It's a recurring nightmare!"

Late W.C. Fields film: "My Little Chickadee is a Zombie"

"Enough of this method acting crap. Johnny Depp almost killed himself in that sarcophagus! Tim Burton, say something!"

"Sir, it's okay. Most men start balding around your age. Even werewolf men."

Gus's feelings were hurt. The girls didn't like him because he was "no Taylor Lautner."

"I'm sorry, but paternity tests prove it. You ARE Jack Black's father."

"I SAID, GOOD NIGHT, GRANDPA!"

"Be still. Be very, very still. Don't look behind you. There's a doorknob floating four feet in the air."

"I know you're covering a hickey..."

"Well, wife, it looks like you'll have to grow in your beard again. Ruffs are just too flammable."

Sir Bradley couldn't believe he'd just been wench-slapped.

"Shh. I think the kettle is bugged. Darn it! Agent X-9 must be on to us!"

"What're you doing, Joan?" "This tea kettle is broken. I have to whistle FOR it."

"I'm telling you, Frank. The beret and cummerbund trend will NEVER take off!"

"Hey Costello, what're you doing here?" "Well, Abbott left me for some guy called Galifinakis."

Kitchen Nightmares: Gordan Ramsey visits a bar & grill owned by a Mennonite couple. Shots of water & root beer ensue.

"Hey, Abbot, what're you doing in a place like this?" "Well, Abbott left me for some dude named Galifinakis."

Dr. Oz was on the air...but he had the runs. Embarrassing...

Gary Sinise at a USO rally. He had to sing "Animal Crackers in My Soup" for the soldiers' kids.

It wasn't a microphone. It was a 4x magnifying mirror, and Mr. Perfect wasn't so happy about his pore size.

(smugly)"Hello, sir. As you can see, I'm smarter than you. Only really smart fellows have ivy growing on their walls."

"Greetings, I'm Professor Plum. If you don't behave, I'll kill you with a candlestick in my study."

"Yes, my man. I'm a chubby-chaser, and I'm proud."

Failed Pick-Up Attempt 2: "Hey baby, are those extensions? I think you wove your way into my heart."

Failed Pick-Up Attempt 1: "Hey there, brown sugar. Wanna make some sweet potato pie with me?"

"See, this is where you and I differ. I think corn rows would look smashing on me. YOU think I'd look like an idiot."

The royal court ooh'ed and aah'ed over the silver pacifier of the inbred Prince Cedric the Silly.

"Owwww! What's with this diamond? Is it 'needle-cut'? Geez!"

"Oooh, the coveted coconut flavor Ring Pop!"

Awkward Funeral Moment #378: When family members blow their nose close to the preacher and snot gets on the Bible.

In his old age, Mr. Rutherford insisted on pulling over for impromptu "funerals" for every piece of roadkill...

When Mr. Sheffield and Niles bury Sylvia Fine, Niles can hardly hold in his squeals of glee.

"I gagged you because you called me Gargamel! Do you know how much that hurt my feelings?!"

Dr. Dentisto didn't know where to look when interrogating our superhero, Eyeless Ninja Girl.

"You will give me the secret recipe for Rogain, and you will give it to me now!"

"It's not fair. The Ghost of Christmas Present gets to have so much fun, and EVERYBODY likes him."

"I just don't enjoy reaping anymore, doc. I haven't even been sharpening my sickle lately (sigh)..."

In the latest Snow White movie, the dwarfs are Stinky, Whitey, Flighty, Toothless, and Pimply.

"Come on. Don't be scared of my prosthetic. Shake my hand." "Uh(gulp), it's flu season. Is that really wise?"

"I got an object lesson for ya. In this bag is a cat, and I ain't lettin it out, unlike YOU, ya dirty rat!"

"I ordered the BIG COMBO, you idiots. This is the regular combo, you moron!"

"I'll take a Geritol shake, a Viagra, and some Fiber Fries. And super-size it, please."

In the days before Prilosec, GERD sufferers wore burp cloths, not for their babies, but for themselves.

In the days before Prilosec, GERD sufferers wore burp cloths, not for their babies, but for themselves.

Don Coronado wasn't impressed with Imogen Coco's comedic stylings...

It wasn't a cigarette. It was a crazy snaggle tooth. Jane couldn't bear to look at it.

"Help me, officers. Where am I?" "You're in an unknown public domain, ma'am. There's nothin' we can do to help."

Seconds before Frankie nibbles on Tom's "luscious gremlin ears."

"No! Don't go in there, I beg you. Bubba just dropped a huge deuce. You'll die from the fumes. Hold it, man. Hold it!"

Before Freud, there was something called "Ruff Envy."

Carson Kresley's pet bird Armani wears a man-purse and loooves to read the gossip columns.

Messenger pigeons show their love by exchanging Valentines.

These two Temperpedic bed testers didn't know what they were getting themselves into...

Next on The Amazing Race, a father/daughter team gets lost in Latvia, only to stumble upon an evil scientist's lair.

"He's gonna dunk us in water?! But my blouse is dry-clean only! Ohhhh!"

The Headmistress sleep-sang: "Ooooooklahoma, where the wind comes sweeping down the plain..."

"And this is the sound a barn owl makes - Hoooo Hooo....Why are you looking at me like that?!"

People (and cows) vs. Wawa included tearful testimony about botched udder-jobs and multiple-stomach stapling.

"It wasn't just any ol' grass in that pasture, was it?! It was marijuana, and you were growing it as a side business!"

"Bessie, you've been blowing a bunch of methane! It was YOU whom Buck took for a roll in the hay, YOU he milked dry!"

"But Barack Obunny here, is...what? You want me to do what?"

So THAT'S who he was talking to in that chair! His meds must have some pretty powerful side effects.

A still from Clint Eastwood's next film, Million-Dollar Bunny, about a politically saavy rabbit running for president.

"Ugg shot the sheriff, but he didn't shoot the deputy"

The first time someone was ever impaled by a creamsicle stick.

"Yup. It's noon. My turn to wear the Fedora. Hand it over, bro."

America's Next Top Model House, circa 1951.

"Look, Suzy, they might put bars on the windows and doors, but there's still peep-holes in the locker room. Shameful!"

Billy Bob's ghost haunted McDonald's, Burger King, Wendy's, and Arby's.

On this episode of Man vs. Food, the hamburger wins...

"Now that Santa Claus conquered us, I'm in charge of shoveling reindeer poop! Me! Ferblatt the Great!"

"I'm a little teapot, short and stout. Here is my handle, here is my spout."

"Remember me from Schoolhouse Rock? I'm Bill, and I'll never be passed because of a bi-partisan congress. Mwah-ha-ha!"

Squiget is the Justin Beiber of the circus clown world. He needs body guards wherever he goes.

Bob's thoughts: "I'm a Munchkin too. I dress funny. My face looks silly. I'm not some middle-aged perv."

Boppo needed some Beano...badly.

1972 Vintage Tang. Ahhhhh

"I'll have mine centrifuged, not stirred."

"No, the Green Visor is NOT a good superhero name. Get that through your thick skull!"

"My stomach's rumbling. Ralph, call up Burger King. I want...a big combo."

"Go on. Fight over me. I'll be right over here."

"Dis is the way it woiks, see? Boss man gets the chair, the hat, and the smokes, see?"

"I'm prescribing Desitin for your saddle rash, ain't nothin' to be ashamed of."

"Admit it, you stole my corn pone!"

Lil Johnny weren't so lil anymore, but he still had to go to the principal's office when he caused a ruckus.

When PT Barnum got soft: "Step right up and see my kindergartener's pictures."

"Swollen-shut eyes, red nose. I don't care! I love being a florist (so where are all my customers?)."

"Ahhh, my daughter is finally getting married."

Briefly, Lois Lane dated a man named Kent Clark (aka "The Grease Monkey).

If yer first date involves drinkin' a Big Gulp and watchin' tires burn, ...you jest might be a redneck.

"I'm picking a wedgie AGAIN. Tell me, why do aliens have to suffer for fashion too?"

"Oh, no you didn't, sistah."

"With a hey-nonny, nonny, and a ha cha cha."

"So what if I want to wear somethin' from the French Maid Collection? I think it's classy!" Hubby didn't think so.

"Will not look at boob job...will not look at boob job. Eyes straight ahead."

"Kansas City Confidential?! Ain't nothing confidential in here. Says you got athlete's foot, Bob."

Peeping Tom should've worn a cup before going into the girls dormitory.

"Seriously? There's no men's bathrooms here?! But I really have to tinkle!"

"Oh, I love thee from thine licey wig to thine lacey stockings."

"There's a fire over England, but it started in my heart."

Gargamel and his two brothers, Gargashel and Gargadel all had a peeping tom problem when it came to Smurfette...

"No, that ain't no IPhone. It's an I-Can-Hardly-Lift-It Phone!"

Dr. Caligari's winding up for a sneeze that could wake (or at least splatter) the dead.

Oh the horror! Who can know the depths of oo-ey goo-eyness in Robert Pattinson's diary?

Carrot Top baffled Superman. He couldn't tell if he was criminally insane or just insane.

Unfortunately, the illiterate superhero "Mr. Blank Chest" didn't know what letter to sew on his leotard.

Dawnling and Marigold - you are seriously funny gals!

"It's a letter from Shirley. She says 'Sure, you can hunt, but no animal heads in the house - period!" Dang it!

Dr. Livingstone was the BEST at hide and seek. There's no way these guys were gonna find him.

Tarzan left them a note: "Me apologize for Cheetah monkey. He threw poo because he think you bad men."

The Suburban Dads Association took their scavenger hunts seriously.

When Grampy gets ornery, we put 'im in time out.

"Remember me? I'm Ross Perot. I've got some idears 'bout this next election!"

"I said, 'Give me land, LOTS of land in the country that I love. DON'T fence me in'!"

Royal Bird thinks, "Stupid man. There's no nib on that feather. It's just a feather, fathead!"

King Seuss: "I don't like this cockatoo. He leaves poopy in my shoe. I'd rather have a bukiroo or the doggy Scooby Doo."

(continued from last entry) "Why,you!" - punch!

"Now, jest stop thar, lil lady. This is a bank. It's no place fer females what with all the math and figurin' and such."

Even Annie Oakley missed curfew as a teen, as her father was happy to show her.

Freaky Shaun White fans line up outside his house...

The Egyptian dagger-throwing team petition for their sport to be included in the next Olympics...

Egyptians didn't have to dye their hair when "red-head" fads came around; they just picked a different wig.

Ancient urn with hieroglyphic inscription: Die by poison, or die by stabbing?

Don't try to control a rampaging elephant at the circus. Just run!

The Rubber-Legged Sniper Squad learned all they know from Donald O'Connor.

The moment that the North Korean military realized that their Olympic delegation "disappeared" in Europe...

The original Olympic opening ceremony's tone was dark, focusing on Dickens, Stoker, & Shelley. Yeesh! Creepy!

Dr. Caligari has found all kinds of strange things in his cabinet ever since he took on Tim Burton as a patient...

Robert Pattinson's father tells him to wake up and get on with his life already.

He usually had a top hat for hiding his flask, but the wind blew it away, and the kids were coming.

Frosty Jr., sprinkling the droplets of his deceased father in his favorite place: the hill between the birches.

"Daddy, why'd we come here for vacation? There's no pizza places or gift shops behind that blue gunk, is there?"

"Just go in there. Nobody'll notice. It's space. It'll just float away."

"I'm bored with this nebula. I want to go see Batman."

"You put some of your water in that cooler? Hahahaha! Montezuma's Revenge! Hahahaha."

"Stars AND stripes?! Doesn't he know you're not supposed to mix prints?"

"Yay! My turn with the microphone. I want to sing 'Fame'." "No, no, you don't. We're singing 'YMCA,' baby!"

"Hi, I'm Secret Agent X." "Uh...I don't think you're supposed to tell me that."

Ye Olde Singing Telegram: "Thou art my sunshine. Mine only sunshine. Thou maketh me happy when skies art gray..."

"This bill is from the landscaper. He trimmed the shrubberies and my beard."

If you were a wife of Henry VIII, you had to know how to protect your neck.

Giddy the Leprechaun's wife was always reminding him, "I could've been married to Lucky and be rolling in dough now!"

"What are you cringing at? I told you, I look best in SOFT light, not lantern light," said Agnes.

Deleted scene from Snow Whit: Mama Grumpy spies on the dwarf house, finds Snow White there,& calls her a little hussy.

Coming to NBC this fall: "Michael Phelps, PI"

Final entry: "Can't decide who I hate more,Taylor Lautner or dentists. New girl in town named Buffy Summers. Hott!!

Nancy read mofd: "Last night, I think I ate Mrs. Jones's cat. Been coughing up hairballs. Yuck. Calling in sick today."

Nancy read more: "So embarrassed today. Plumber removed 2 lb. wad of fur from drain today, and he looked at me funny."

Nancy read from the werewolf's diary: "It smelled like bacon, it tasted like bacon. But it was Beggin Strips! Nummy!"

Female warfare: rearranging the books in the in-laws' library. "But Mama won't like that!" "I know! Haha!"

"War and Peace?" asked Mr. Jones. "Why, yes. I press my flowers there. Tolstoys are good for that." Mr. Jones groaned.

Just before Prof. Higgins was KO'd by Moby Dick, he remarked, "You're a woman. What ARE you doing in a library?"

They're not potheads; they're pot-lid heads. They don't have the munchies, but the creepies.

Sasha Baron Cohen's upcoming superhero movie parody: "Leotards"

Bulgaria's synchronized swimming team, ready for action!

Boogie-men like to go to casinos too.

Gumby's brother, Lumby, is a compulsive gambler. He'll be featured on the next episode of Intervention.

The Green-Eyed Monster took his son to Vegas to show him how the slots work.

To fight the Wasp Woman, you need beekeeper gloves and hat, synthetic stinger, & glue for sticking it to your butt.

"See this white thingy here? It fell off your fridge. Is that bad?"

"Look at what I got at the yard sale. I fabulous twisty straw!" "Oh yeah, well I got extra-large gloves."

The ghosts of Teletubbies future were rather grumpy...

Woodstock's parents fought a lot. That's why Woodstock flew away and hung out with Snoopy all the time.

Which park "art piece" is uglier? The Lucite Redneck Couple, or the Broken-Necked Doe?

"Me thinks I need the royal chiropractor. I can't move my neck."

The Queen defies Medeival PETA: "An ostrich died for my hat, and a zebra died for my sleeves! Ha ha!"

"What?! I happen to like cotton candy, but as you can see, both my hands are occupied right now!"

Latest men's fashion: shirt dresses, sun hats, and bow ties! What do you think, Tim Gunn?

"Buy my Elixir. It'll make your index fingers grow to twice their natural size, making nose-picking super-duper fun!"

"Here's the profile on the unsub. He seems to like pina-coladas and getting caught in the rain."

"So are you gonna order the Big Combo for lunch, or not, Sergeant?"

"I knew I shouldn't have played with Skippy's transformer, but it looked so fun."

The things a girl will do to get rid of arm flab!

"Hey, remember me? I'm your uncle Steve." Girl (thinking): "I'd rather meet the werewolf, perv."

Sensei Tom could immobilize his students with one finger.

"This is the first time I've touched a woman in 20 years! Hurrah! Triumph!"

"I am Dr. Caligari. I decide when to come out of the cabinet!"

"Me thinks the cameraman has jaundice."

Boy, was Mikey embarrassed when the magician pulled a quarter out of his ear...covered in earwax!

"I found a Werthers."

Little Genius's version of Fantasia consists of an enchanted brush painting a baby's room.

"Help! I'm bleeding out!"

"Gesturing when you talk at hummingbird speed? It's just Hyper-Italianism. I wouldn't worry," said the doctor.

Darren couldn't look at Andy's spatula hand or else he'd puke.

"Doc, you've gotta help me. I have mannequin hands!"

Cecil didn't realize the dominitrix was so big and hairy.

If life is a giant pinball game, this is the starting position.

Ellen Degeneres and Roseanne Barr knew their differences would only be settled one way: dance fight.

"It's your fault we can't get pix of Suri Cruise anymore!" "No, it's your fault!"

"Are you kidding me? I'm not drinking that. Where's the high-frustose corn syrup?"

The saying is "don't cry over spilt milk," not "don't FLY over spilt milk."

"BBBZZZZ! Oh no! This isn't the Almond Milk. Don't they know we're lactose intolerant?"

"I don't know what looks stupider - your little girl hands or that polka dot tie!"

You can't light your cig within 5 yds. of Old Man Jones. The burp gas & lighter fluid will cause a fiery explosion!

After Chevalier's 9th renditiion of "Thank Heaven for Little Girls," Joe was ready to light him up instead of his cig.

Randy Newman woke up to this mob in his front yard right after "Short People" was released!

The Dwarf Riot of 1392 was precipitated by Snow White's giving pejorative nicknames to every little person...

"Basil Rathbone?! Hi, my name is Oregano Jones! Hahahaha!"

"Don't look at me like that. If could afford a servant, this suit WOULD be ironed."

"How do I know you dun it?! The butler always dun it! Get in the car!"

Dr. Caligari's cabinet was mostly filled with Avon products.

Two male models nail the Yearning and Wistful poses...

"You'll need more eyeliner if you want to be a movie star like me."

The Boogie Man! Aaaaaah!

Jabba the Hut's Grandfather, Pabba the Snot

Sputum cultures are getting creepier every year.

"Yeah. I'm da fanciest hobo in all of England, I is."

"So Depp gets the role, but I been wearin' top hats & velvet suits all me life, and I work wid liddle people every day!"

"So Gene Wilda gets the role, but I always been wearin top hats & velvet suits & I work wid liddle people every day!"

This Lady Frankenstein came out bearded. Oops. So much of science is trial and error.

Poor folks - got rejected as Disney villains. Now, what'll they do with their lives?

The real Sergeant Pepper and his Lonely Hearts Club.

"Er- if you're gonna cover something up, you might wanna start with your noses."

The sinister Snuggly Cult plans another assassination.

"Why wouldn't they let us audition for The Big Bang Theory?" "Probably because we're REAL scientists."

Brilliant minds: First came the Wright brothers, then came the Wong brothers.

"It's... egg drop soup. Mother's been here again." "Aww, she's so good to us."

"You're invading my personal space when you talk to me. That's un-American!"

"Does my breath stink? Here, hhaaa." "My nose hairs are singed."

The Bachelor Party went bad when the "entertainment" showed up. Candy Kane was twelve feet tall!

"They're flashing the Bat Signal! Heresy!"

Panty-raids are creepy when the professors participate.

"Where are all the girls?" "I AM a girl, Detective." (sniffles)

Moments after Columbo cuaght his partner jumping on the beds - awkward.

"Dern. I thought that thur braid was Rapunzel's. Now what do I do?"

In the 60s, Jack climbed up the hemp rope only to be plucked and snorted by a giant.

"Hey, two scotches, please. One fer me. One for Pauly D. here."

"Why I gotta wear this dumb hat, Ma?"

(drunkenly)"...and do you know what S.S. stands for? Stupid sissies, hahahaha."

DAD:"Aw, stop foolin', son. Ya ain't got nothin' but peach fuzz." SON: "Yeah, like what's on the top a yer head."

Bobby "Baby-Face" Bucci was getting tired of shaving before every hit. But without his nickname, who was he?

"Calamity Jane sent me another box of chocolates. I wouldn't marry her if she struck oil! Have you seen that ugly mug?!"

"I ordered a black whip. I don't want a red whip. It won't match my trousers." (shaking his head) "Stupid red whip."

Abe Lincoln: "I got an ax in the mail. Just what am I supposed to do with it?"

Big cars, big fins, cheap parking. Grandpa had it good.

"This parking lot scene was brought to you today by the letter E."

"That's 1 hour parking time. Here's your 25 cents back."

"You can't control us. We're Teenage Devil Dolls! We're, like, 10 times as bad as the Bratz Dolls! So there!"

Teri's recurring nightmare: "No lima beans. No! I won't eat them! You can't make me! I'll spit them out!"

New clay exhibit at the modern art museum: Scenes From Married Life

"She can yell at me all she wants. It's just nostril envy anyway."

"You will stay here until I've finished with the family vacation pictures! I HAVE TENURE!"

"This is our cell, about to be invaded by a bacterium called Beiberfevum."

"This dark region here is your skull. Very bumpy."

"Come on, Jane. You don't need plastic surgery. Your eyebrows can't go up any futher, & you've already lost your nose."

"Hey baby, I'm not sure what to do with you (cuz we don't have lips or noses), but I like you."

Spotted: three kids with dilated pupils. What drug is in that yellow box?...

"This opium bill is quite high, in fact it's as high as a kite....Why are you laughing, Watson?"

"Watson, what is different about me?....That's right, I've replaced my hand with a mannequin's hand."

"What is this, Watson? The DEA is going to raid the house?!"

The look you get when your pet werewolf realizes you've run out of Beggin' Strips.

"I'm a werewolf, but I have male-pattern baldness. You tell me, is that fair?"

"I'm Jack Nicholson's cousin. See the resemblance? I can get ya into any Hollywood event or Laker game, baby."

"Ole Miss. has integrated. The basketball team is is now 10% white. The glee club, however, is still 100% white."

"This just in: According to the latest poll, the combover is the sexiest hairdo for men." Wink-wink

"40 aliens & 300 elves died today in the quagmire of the Polar War. Santa, if you can hear me, end this war, sir."

Maybe he's born with it. Maybe it's Maybelline.

The Rock played Sam Spade in American Samoa. Three-piece suits in 90 degree weather made everyone CRANKY!

Aww, don't poke him. Zombies need their naptimes too.

Dr. Caligari bought the Schmergenmergen cabinet from Ikea. It came with a corpse inside. "Oh no, not again!" he said.

Mr. Hyde was so evil, he tried to disturb living statues.

"The Olympics are to be held in London? That explains the 'fire' over England. It's the torch, duh. You fearmonger!"

"Like my new coat? I got it from Henry VIII's yard sale. I know it's a little big, but I'll just put it in the dryer."

"Ahhhhh. Alright, so do ya think I'm sick, doc?" "Er, I'd have to see you in person, Earl."

Dan Ackroyd is older than I thought. (shiver) He's on the left!

"Now, old man, all of us are wearin' our bad guy black hats. What's yer problem?!"

"I ain't afeard a you! I could chaw ya up and spit ya out, and I ain't got no teef!"